Becky, you need a new man!
Why do we run from healing?
Why is it that we’ll say “oh I have insomnia…” And then our friend goes “You should try ___!” And then we go “yeah, maybe…but [insert unresearched reason why that won’t work for you].”
What are we afraid of?
And before you try to defensively tell me that you’re not afraid, LISTEN TO ME! You. Are. Scared.
We thrive on the chaos we know. My clients can attest to how deeply I believe in the idea that our minds attach themselves to the chronically annoying rather than the peaceful.
It’s like when your friend goes out with a guy…the PERFECT guy…too perfect…like seriously there’s nothing wrong with him…there’s just no connection. And sure, they may not have felt that “special something.” But more likely she felt…safe.
Ahhh, safety. The one thing we all say we want but don’t actually feel comfortable having. We want to be “taken care of” and “understood” but we don’t want the security blanket that comes along with it. Because our minds work better when they can distract themselves with the noise. Dating, drama, daddy issues, food issues, drug addictions, anxiety, NOISE.
I’ll pause for a moment to explain the mind uses any of the aforementioned examples as a means to cope; distraction from something too painful or too intense to rationalize. Not to downplay biology and the chemical imbalances that inspire depression or states of unrest, but the body actively tries to keep us from wasting time…and in turn, it wastes our time. Stressing over your pant size is far easier than working through your emotional baggage.
Again, I spent 10 years working in medicine and studying the art of counseling. I also spent the same 10 years seriously shook by a devastating eating disorder. All of the physicians at my local ER(s) know me by name. We’ve met many a time after accidental diet pill overdoses and anxiety guided “heart attacks.” So I understand the true psychology behind distraction and coping and the nitty-gritty science behind mental states. I feel compelled to keep restating these facts because I’m offering a fairly triggering blog…
I have learned time and time again that we are autonomous over our selves. Whether you have realized or not, we subconsciously choose to stay miserable. It’s easier. It is so much less work to date assholes than it is to embark on the path of honesty, commitment, and partnership. I mean, Becky, like, girl you probably don’t inherently want to keep dating guys who cheat on you but at the same time can you really tell me what life would be like if you didn’t have to spend every waking moment spying on your boyfriend? What would you do with all your newly found free time considering you don’t have to internet stalk his location or read his text messages? How will you feel if your life is happy and isn’t spent fighting with a man who is incapable of apologizing for his infidelity?
I dramatize because it’s funny but I’m not describing any scenario that we haven’t ALL been in. You can replace dating with an unhealthy parental relationship. Or self-esteem issues. Or depression. Or anxiety. Or an eating disorder. Or obsessively watching The Real Housewives…all of them.
Fear of the unknown holds us back. Fear of change keeps us down. Fear of relaxation ensures that we stick to the chaos that we know. Fight or flight is a much more mentally comfortable state of being than that boring old “calm.” And we’ve been conditioned to see peace as boredom, laziness, or as unsuccessful. We see people straight chillen and think that they should get a job, or a life, or friends, or go take a class, or look at their phone, or do ANYTHING. Because it’s weird. Stability and happiness are weird. They are a foreign concept that many of us haven’t allowed ourselves the luxury of experiencing.
But what if you did? What if you took the pressure off for just one hour? What if you released the “I shoulds” and the “I need to.” What if you forgot about expectations and deadlines?
What is the worst thing that would happen? What is the best?
It’s totally underrated to actually heal. It will be the hardest thing that you ever have to do…but wouldn’t it be so worth it? Wouldn’t it be so amazing to love your skin, your personality, your heart, your brain, your laugh, your tears, your beer belly, your frizzy hair, your insecurities (which would eventually go away but…), and every last piece of yourself? Imagine.