I often find myself feeling like a faker. A POSER if you will.
My evil, angry, yucky thoughts rise up and take conquest on the tiny soldiers of my mind holding it all together. My demons suck the security from my stability and remind me of my failures, my shortcomings, of my age, and of my misconceptions.
My biggest adversary at the moment is the feeling that I’m inadequate. Like I haven’t been through enough. Like I haven’t learned enough. Like I haven’t had experience. I shouldn’t be the teacher - go to someone else who is more quantifiable.
Sure, I have a B.S. in Health Studies, multiple reiki/ yoga/ barre certifications, almost 10 years experience working in healthcare, AND a life time of trauma coped through an eating disorder, a panic disorder, and enough PTSD. On the surface, it can reasonably be argued that I have seen, endured, challenged, learned, worked, and given to my passions: to healing. Objectively speaking, between the abuse, the bullying, the invalidation (and that’s just from the adults in my life) and the endless pursuit for meaning, I am qualified.
So why don’t I feel like it?
Why don’t any of us feel like we’re legitimate?
For argument’s sake we’ll blame society…but that’s another blog post yet to come.
We’ve no reason to believe in ourselves if we search for externalized reward. No amount of applause, accolades, nor reassurance can change the opinion that we have of ourselves. The only thing that can change the way we visualize who and what we are is the mirror. And there it is: the biggest roadblock. For someone like me, with extreme inability to see beyond body dysphoria, the mirror is my worst enemy. Not because of what I might see…but because of HOW I will see.
Friends and family have at least once mentioned the idea that self-worth comes from within. That our image means nothing to others and we shouldn’t grant others the power. I believe that wholeheartedly and encourage, nay IMPLORE, my clients to find true center and empowerment. In my times of “normal humanness” I feel like a big, fat phony. A loser. An impostor.
Truthfully, objectively, my self-deprecation instills more relativity, humility, and deepens empathy. How could I ever offer insight without having known? Without relation? Without understanding?
Ahhhhh…and now we’ve gotten somewhere. I’ve answered my original questions: I question my value and my credibility. I worry that I’m too young or too ignorant. But through blog rambling I have inadvertently defended my OWN honor. I have to experience highs and lows, hills and valleys. I have to allow for weakness and vulnerability.
These feelings that plague our day to day are not without cause. While easy to fall into the death trap that is the monkey mind, our negativity fuels us in some way. The careful scale that if tipped either way leads to destruction suspends our need to victimize with our need for inspiration. Self-worth is a spectrum neither measurable nor finite. We ebb and flow through the ranks of our life finding areas that cultivate and reinvigorate our psyche; finding confidence through fulfillment.
I am not a fraud. I have lived 27 very long years filled with every kind of heartbreak, trauma, mental disorder, addiction, fear, anxiety, panic, danger, depression, love, joy, enlightenment, understanding. I practice healing not because I want to but because after trying many different areas of compassion, reiki and yoga were the only things that felt. Reiki and yoga are breath to me. Reiki and yoga are extensions of the best parts of myself, the parts that I’m actually proud of. The parts that I believe in.
I know that I am young, naive, ignorant. But I also know that I am dedicated to healing. I am passionate about deepening my education, my study, the pursuit of knowing. I will never stop learning, taking classes, going to other practitioners, and expanding my wealth of emotional and intellectual information. I constantly use my insatiable monkey mind to drive me with excitement and a childlike innocence.
So the moral? Lol, patience. Acceptance. It is okay to feel less than. It is necessary to feel like you’re not good enough. You should compare your skill set to that of others ASSUMING that you are doing so with the intention to learn. There is always going to be someone wiser, more accomplished, better.
And that is okay.
We should never want to feel like we’ve succeeded and are now finished. Success is immeasurable as is knowledge. Pushing ego aside use your neighbor to continue your path.
Just because someone may know more, doesn’t mean that you are unable to catch up.
Life is a balance between submission and control. At times, we give in to the negativity, the pull of ego, damaged pride, and impatience…yet sometimes…sometimes we exhale with stability. Sometimes…we take charge of the monkey mind…and somtimes…we’re free.